


If I Ever Were to Lose You

by Paint_it_Black22



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: F/M, Older Man/Younger Woman, Romance, Smut, Survival, Zombies
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-08-22
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:15:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25425991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paint_it_Black22/pseuds/Paint_it_Black22
Summary: You’re the only daughter of Earl Green, one of the founders of the settlement in Jackson County, Wyoming. Your dad died in the year 2033, after some bandits attacked the compound. Few months later a pair, a man and a young girl, arrive and settle down in the town. You quickly become friends with the girl, Ellie and start to grow attached to her and the old man named Joel, a former smuggler who seems to carry a heavy burden with him.Though in the summer of 2037 you realise your feelings for the man might be developing into something more than a mere attachment.
Relationships: Joel (The Last of Us)/Reader
Comments: 12
Kudos: 59





	1. The Patrol

Late October 2037

The sun had not yet emerged from the horizon when you left Jackson.  
The outskirts looked so peaceful that day, you could feel the cold October breeze through your (H/C) hair and tickling your soft face’s skin, almost caressing it. You were still a little sleepy, yawning from time to time as you travelled to a not-so-far outpost on horseback. The sweet scenery before your eyes though was priceless, it was making you more awake. The views were indeed the only thing that made every patrol bearable.   
Every time either Tommy or Maria informed you you had to go to the outside, you would freak out and get all nervous.   
The first time you went on patrol is till fresh in your mind: you had been asking Maria to give you a chance for a whole year and when she finally gave in you were so frigging excited. Eventually, you changed your mind when you and Tommy got attacked by a bunch of runners as soon as you set foot in a nearby town. You barely made it that day, and you had to thank Tommy who was constantly saving your ass and snatching you away from those monsters’ clutches.

As much as you’d rather be guarding the dam or helping Esther with the horses, you knew that in a reality like Jackson everyone needed to pitch in and do their share. So you never backed out when you were asked to take up your rifle and secure the surrounding areas. Besides, you really needed some fresh air especially after the heated argument you had the previous evening. 

_Ellie can be such a stubborn brat_ you sighed, looking down and clenching the reins to your horse.  
You felt truly sorry for what she’d gone through, though you knew very little about it, yet you couldn’t understand her attitude at all. 

— You alrite, girl? — a female voice caught your attention.  
— Yeah.. yes I’m good — you answered, hinting a smile.  
— Stay focused, we’re almost there — Maria reassured you.

She was a few feet away. Trotting your horse, you placed yourself right beside her and you started looking at her face. Something was troubling her, your bet was she’d been fighting with Tommy… again. These two couldn’t go without falling out for more than a week. But even so, it was clear that they loved each other dearly. After all you have witnessed so many of their arguments over the years you’ve been in Jackson.

— Here we are — the woman announced.

You tightened your thighs against the saddle and slightly tightened your grip on the reins, making your horse stop.  
Maria led the way into a crumbling building which was once used as a radio tower. This here was your favourite outpost of all since it had one huge balcony from which you could see all of Jackson Hole.   
The view today was breathtaking as always: red, yellow and orange-leafed trees stood up in great harmony with the red sky. It looked as if you were staring at a painting.  
— So young’n, what’s up? — Maria approached, leaning against the balustrade.  
— What you mean? — you raised a questioning eyebrow.  
— You been acting weird lately… you’re always in your hut, Dina told me you skip your lunch and dinner.. — she gave you a worried look — and last night you ran away from the campfire all of a sudden —  
— It’s nothin’.. just been spending a lot of time in my head lately — you looked away.  
— (Y/N)… are you having boy or girl trouble? —

— W-What? No, no.. — you nervously shook your head — Nothing like that —

You were indeed having some ‘boy trouble’, but why would you tell Maria about it? She was a dear friend of yours ever since you got to Jackson for sure, but no living soul had to know what was going on.

— ‘kay then — she chuckled and she lightly hit your arm. She then made her way back in the building.

You followed her.

— I mean.. me and Ellie.. uhm we been arguing quite often lately and.. — you sighed — that’s why I’ve been a little off I guess —   
— Oh, I didn’t know you two were a thing — she smiled  
— W-We’re not together.. she’s my best friend — you explained.  
— There we go, we having friends trouble then. You.. wanna talk about it? —   
— No, no thanks. I’m good — you smiled back.  
She patted your shoulder and went for the register.  
— All clear today — you spoke out  
— For now — 

And as Maria foreshadowed, it didn’t take long for a couple of infected to show up.   
— Maria.. come take a look — you whispered, holding a pair of binoculars.  
Two runners were wandering near a wooden fence.  
— Firing at them with the rifle would draw too much attention. I’ll go take care of ‘em — the woman took a handmade knife out of her backpack.  
— No need to — you said with a smirk.  
Maria tilted her head quizzically.  
— Is that bad boy still in the locker? —   
She chuckled and started searching her pockets.   
— It’s all yours — Maria handed you a key.  
You went straight for the locker and opened it, taking the crossbow that was inside of it.   
Once out on the balcony, you made sure that the bowstring was cocked and placed one of the bolts into the barrel groove, then you slid the bolt back into the barrel until it was firmly seated against the bowstring.   
While leaning one of your arms on the balustrade for support, you breathed in deeply and as soon as you got a clean shot you took one of those monsters out. You exhaled. Then you loaded the weapon once again and aimed at the remaining runner’s head, pulling off a headshot. 

— Well I’m impressed — Maria beamed   
— I’ve had some practice — you winked.  
— Those hunting sessions were of some use after all —   
You nodded.

Sometimes Tommy would take you and Ellie hunting with him and Joel. Your best friend surely was a natural, she rarely missed her target. On the contrary, you used to be pretty bad at it and the first time Tommy handed you a bow, you torqued it and managed to shoot out the string from the cam - needless to say everyone started laughing at you and they kept making fun of you for months.  
It took you quite a while to stop being an inept at it. 

— You comin’ at the party tonight? — Maria asked, interrupting the reminiscing.  
— Huh? — you shot her a quizzical look.  
— It’s Tommy’s birthday, me and Joel decided to throw a surprise party. You forgot? —   
— Oh.. yeah sure I remember, count me in — you smiled nervously.  
— Just don’t run off like you did last time — she laughed.

You weren’t exactly in the mood for it but you couldn’t not attend Tommy’s birthday… even though you knew a certain someone would be there. 

— Can’t promise — you grinned. 

You and Maria kept talking and controlling the area for a few more hours. 

— I think it’s time we made our way back to Jackson — she patted your shoulder — We have a birthday party to attend —.


	2. Happy Birthday, Baby Brother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You’re the only daughter of Earl Green, one of the founders of the settlement in Jackson County, Wyoming. Your dad died in the year 2033, after some bandits attacked the compound. Few months later a pair, a man and a young girl, arrive and settle down in the town. You quickly become friends with the girl, Ellie and start to grow attached to her and the old man named Joel, a former smuggler who seems to carry a heavy burden with him.  
> Though in the summer of 2037 you realise your feelings for the man might be developing into something more than a mere attachment.

When you entered the ballroom everyone quickly stopped what they were doing.  
— Fuck (Y/N), I thought you were Tommy! — Jesse cried out and approached you, followed by Dina and Ellie.  
— Well do I look like Tommy? — you giggled.  
Dina and Jesse let out a laugh.  
— Pssh — Ellie caught your attention.  
— Hey — you waved at her.  
— Reckon you two need to do some talking — Dina said and dragged Jesse away.  
— So… how was the patrol —   
— Yeah it was good, I got to use my badass crossbow —   
— Cool.. Hum so.. about what happened yesterday.. —  
— Ellie.. —  
— I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that —  
— Ellie… it’s fine. I don’t know what’s going on between you and Joel but — you sighed — I’m here for you okay? —   
— I love you, babe — Ellie hugged you  
— I love you too — you hugged her back.  
— You’re here finally. Almost thought you wouldn’t come — Maria approached you two.  
It did take you awhile to get ready for the party, mainly because at first you didn’t want to go, then you decided you should and wanted to look your best.  
— I just needed a shower and to get changed into new clothes —  
— You trying to catch someone’s attention? — Maria chuckled.  
— What? — that question made you blush.  
— You did your hair and I’ve never seen you wear this pullover — she checked you out — you’re looking gorgeous —   
— Thank you I guess — that made you blush even more.

— He’s comin’, get ready — a voice sounded from the distance. You looked towards the entrance door.   
He was standing there, wearing a suede tobacco jacket and a blue checkered shirt.   
— Joel! Where we goin’? Are you… — Tommy entered the ballroom.   
— Happy birthday Tommy! — everyone welcomed him.  
— Holy shit! What’s this? — the man widened his eyes and laughed.

The party was going by smoothly, everyone was having fun. You were sitting at the table with Jesse, Dina, Ellie, Cat and Zeke. As always, Jesse wouldn’t shut up and Ellie couldn’t stop talking to Cat, she was a mess for that girl!  
As for you, you just couldn’t get your eyes off the man with the blue checkered shirt.  
It was nice seeing him after all that time. You’ve been avoiding him ever since last June… ever since that guitar lesson.   
After that day, every time you ran into him in town you would look away or you’d just give him an awkward smile. He did notice all of that and thought that the reason behind your change in attitude was probably the consequence of him and Ellie fighting and you taking his adopted daughter’s side. Little does he know that you’ve had a crush on him for the past few months and that’s why you decided to cut ties with him, you didn’t want it to become something more than a silly crush. Or maybe you wanted it to, but it was such a crazy thought. You were his daughter’s best friend, without mentioning that you were much younger than him and everyone in town would surely hinder your relationship, especially that old bastard named Seth. That is if Joel even considered starting something with you.   
He was a very private person, hardly anyone knew much of his personal life. He’s never dated anyone over the few years in Jackson. Of course, he was quite socially involved and everyone in town saw him as a community service kind of guy. He would teach young adults the art of hunting and woodwork, he was always ready to help anyone with anything. Yet when it came to his love life, it looked as if he wanted to be alone. Why would he ever give you a chance?   
All of a sudden you heard someone tuning a guitar. You looked up and saw Joel on a wooden stool in the middle of the ballroom, holding what once was Ellie’s guitar. She’d given it back to him one night after a fight.

— This is for you, baby brother — he smiled, lowered his head and started playing. 

_“ Well, I had a dream  
I stood beneath an orange sky   
With my brother standing by  
I said, Brother, you know   
It’s a long road we’ve been walking on  
Brother, you know it is   
Such a long road we’ve been walking on ” _

His voice was shaky, you could tell he was slightly nervous which was not a first, that man would always get nervous when playing guitar around people.

_“ When I am alone  
When I’ve thrown off the weight of this crazy stone  
When I’ve lost all care for the things I own  
That’s when I miss you  
You who are my home ” _

Everyone started clapping and cheering. Tommy stood up and went to hug his brother.   
You were sitting there almost frozen and misty-eyed. You’d always get emotional when listening to Joel play.   
— Hey you good? — Ellie asked you, noticing your watery eyes.  
You nodded and smiled at her.  
— Hey (Y/N), why don’t you go there and sing something? — Cat suggested.  
— What? No! — you shook your head.  
— Oh c’mon (Y/N)! — Ellie begged you.  
— Not gonna happen —   
— Hey Tommy! — Dina called out — (Y/N) here wants to sing something! —  
— What the.. That’s not true! — you said as loudly.   
— C’mere — Tommy laughed.  
— I’m not gonna… ouch! — Dina hit your arm.   
— ‘kay fine! — you rolled your eyes and went towards Tommy.

— I don’t even have my guitar — you said with a loud sigh.  
— I’ll lend you mine — you heard a voice say.  
Your heart skipped a beat when you met Joel’s gaze.   
He handed you his guitar while giving you the kindest smile you’ve ever seen in your life.   
You froze.  
— You takin’ it or not, kiddo? — the corner of is mouth twitched into his cheek.  
You looked down and took the guitar — Yes.. thanks — you said, without daring to look at him in the eyes again.  
You slowly made your way to the wooden stool in the middle of the room and sat on it. The ballroom was so quiet, you looked around.  
That’s when you realised everyone was staring at you, which made you feel uneasy. Your hands started sweating and shaking, you could feel your ears throbbing. You had never performed in public.   
You closed your (E/C) eyes and tried to calm down. You took a deep deep breath and opened them again.  
Everyone in the room was waiting for you to start singing.   
— The.. — you cleared your throat — The song I’m about to play.. it- it means a lot to me and I uh.. — you scratched your head nervously and gulped — I want to dedicate it to a- a special person — you squeezed your eyes shut, already regretting what you just said — enjoy —.  
With no more hesitation you started strumming gently.   
The song you chose to play was one of your favourites, you’d always end up crying every time you listened to it. The song’s cassette tape was the last gift your dad gave you before dying, so it really meant a lot to you and you were now dedicating that sweet melody to none other than Joel Miller.

After a while you started singing: 

_“ Look at the stars  
Look how they shine for you  
And everything you do  
Yeah, they were all yellow  
I came along  
I wrote a song for you  
And all the things you do  
And it was called Yellow  
So then I took my turn  
Oh, what a thing to have done ” _

You were singing your heart out, your voice sounded so clear and gentle and your fingers were like feathers tickling the strings. You could feel the warmth of the man who d previously played the instrument all around it. At some point it felt like you were touching his fingertips.   
This just made you sing the chorus with so much love and genuineness.

_“ Your skin, oh yeah, your skin and bones  
Turn into something beautiful  
You know, you know I love you so _  
**You know I love you so** ” 

— Happy birthday, Tommy — you said when the song was over.  
The audience responded to your performance with whoops and hollers.  
You took a bow and walked up to Tommy, Maria and Joel who were standing not too far from you.  
— Wow girl! — Maria complimented you.  
— That was even better than Joel’s performance! — Tommy grinned and hugged you.  
— Hey — Joel crossed his arms and furrowed his brows.   
— Now don’t be offended, it’s the truth — Tommy teased his old brother.  
— Well the new overthrows the old — you winked at the man.  
Joel stared at you speechless for a moment, then a full grin appeared on his face — Well remember it’s thanks to this old man you learnt how to play the gee-tar —


	3. It Was All Yellow (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You’re the only daughter of Earl Green, one of the founders of the settlement in Jackson County, Wyoming. Your dad died in the year 2033, after some bandits attacked the compound. Few months later a pair, a man and a young girl, arrive and settle down in the town. You quickly become friends with the girl, Ellie and start to grow attached to her and the old man named Joel, a former smuggler who seems to carry a heavy burden with him.  
> Though in the summer of 2037 you realise your feelings for the man might be developing into something more than a mere attachment.

**Early June 2037**

— And let’s welcome Saura and The Nighthawk to the collection! — you took the trading cards out of your shoulder bag and held them up in the air as if you were lifting a trophy.  
You had been looking for those cards for years so when Ellie dared you to kiss Zeke in front of everyone in exchange for them, you didn’t think twice about it. The girl, and everyone else in the room, couldn’t believe their eyes when they saw you kissing the boy nonchalantly. Needless to say Ellie had to give up her precious cards that very morning. The hard part was telling the guy it was just for a bet…

Despite being a few years older than Ellie, sometimes you were way more childish than her and acted like a bratty little punk.  
You pinned the trading cards together with the other 25 on a board near your unmade bed.  
_Yeah_ you smiled mischievously.  
You glanced down to the digital clock on your bedside table. 18:51.  
— Oh shoot —  
You were going to be late to the guitar lesson. You hurried to your gig bag, then smelled your underarms.  
— Oh shit, I need a bath —  
Every time you helped Esther with the horses you’d come back home smelling like death, and you couldn’t go to your lesson in that poor state. Therefore you decided to run a bath.  
— Better late than stinky —. 

The streets were lively at that time of the day: kids were playing soccer or hide and seek while adults were gathered in groups chatting and giggling.  
The sun was slowly changing to hues of orange. It was about to merge with the sky, like juice-mix dissolving in a glass of water. The clouds were cotton-candy, as though they blushed at the warm touch of the yellow ball. Silhouettes of birds flew home across a sky that was now dyed pomegranate pink.  
Such joyful moments made everyone forget about the cruel world outside of Jackson’s walls. It almost felt like everyone could go back to living a normal life - to how things were before the outbreak. Not that you knew much about what it was like before, how could you. But your dad would usually tell you stories and show you old photos. There was this one in which he was with your aunt at a concert, behind them you could see a whole lot of people crowded together and a huge stage.  
— You would have loved it to attend a concert — your dad would tell you.  
You were clearly born in the wrong time. 

While walking to Joel’s house you ran across Ellie and Cat standing at the street corner.  
— Hey lovebirds — you waved.  
— Hey (Y/N) — they replied in unison.  
— So… you gonna join our guitar lesson today? — you asked Cat.  
— Hum me and Cat.. — Ellie started blushing.  
— We’re going back to my house, she’s getting a tattoo — Cat explained.  
— Ah yes... the tattoo — you winked at Ellie — So the guitar lesson’s postponed? —  
— No, Joel’s waiting for you —  
You huffed — Is that old jackass in a good mood? —  
Ellie shrugged and pouted her lips.  
— Well great, have fun you two — 

Few minutes later you were knocking at Joel’s door.  
He was not answering so you kept knocking until you heard him say — Comin’! —  
The wooden door opened.  
— Hello Joel! — You smiled at him.  
— Hi — he said abruptly.  
_Oh no, don't tell me he’s in a bad mood_ you thought to yourself.  
— You’re late — he continued.  
— I know, I was helping Esther earlier today so it took me a while to get ready plus I met Ellie while coming here and.. —  
— ‘kay ‘kay kiddo, I get it — his eyes crinkled.

— So what you teaching me today? — you asked once you were inside the house.  
— You are my sunshine —  
— Oh Joel that’s so sweet of you, thank you — you said cheekily.  
He let go a heavy sigh. — It’s a song by Johnny Cash, don't flatter yourself —

He took his guitar, then sat on an armchair and handed you the tabs.  
— Now listen and most importantly, pay attention to my hand and fingers’ movements —  
With these words, he started playing and singing.

The sunlight reflecting through the living room window and kissing his rugged face, his quavering yet resonant voice, his fingers caressing the strings in such a delicate manner, his slightly dry lips, that messy salt and pepper hair, his rough and veiny arms… That’s all it took.  
You felt a warm feeling growing deep inside of you, you had never felt that way before.  
You found yourself hankering to kiss those dry lips and play with that messy hair, you wanted the man sitting in front of you to whisper forbidden things in your ear, you wanted his fingers to travel and explore every inch of your body.

This sudden lust took you by surprise. You had never seen Joel that way, he was your best friend’s dad, you considered him a dear friend and looked up to him. You’d spend hours around the man either learning how to play guitar or just chilling with him and Ellie. You loved talking to him, he was always there to help you with anything and he was always ready to hit you with the lamest jokes to cheer you up. As much as he could be quite grumpy and offhand at times, you really liked his company. Yet no naughty thoughts about him had ever crossed your mind, up until that day.  
His striking handsomeness couldn’t be denied for sure: almost every woman in town looked at him with lust in their eyes. Esther in particular had been trying to seduce the man ever since he arrived in Jackson, to little effect.  
And now you were one of the many fantasising about what was hiding under that tight green shirt of his and those raw denim jeans. 

You needed to be body to body with Joel Miller at that very moment. And the thought alone was making you aroused.

— So.. what you think? — the man asked you once he’d finished with the song, forcing you to turn your attention away from those enjoyable thoughts, at least for a moment.  
— It was good..— you mumbled while trying not to make eye contact with him.  
— You don’t sound too convinced — he lifted his shoulders in a half shrug and leaned his guitar against the armchair — Your turn now —  
— I’d rather not.. — you didn’t feel like practicing the guitar. All you really wanted to do was to take his clothes off, and you were already doing it with your eyes.  
— What? What’s wrong, kiddo? —  
— How about… — You dared to look at him in the eyes — how about we do something else? —


	4. Keep It to Yourself (Part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You’re the only daughter of Earl Green, one of the founders of the settlement in Jackson County, Wyoming. Your dad died in the year 2033, after some bandits attacked the compound. Few months later a pair, a man and a young girl, arrive and settle down in the town. You quickly become friends with the girl, Ellie and start to grow attached to her and the old man named Joel, a former smuggler who seems to carry a heavy burden with him.  
> Though in the summer of 2037 you realise your feelings for the man might be developing into something more than a mere attachment.

Your blush seared through your cheeks and for a minute you thought your face was on fire. You suddenly felt awkward, demure, and coy; even going as far as attempting to hide your rosy features behind your fingers.  
— What you wanna do, kiddo? — a look of puzzlement crossed Joel’s face.  
— I uh.. — you didn’t know what to say.   
_I dare tell him what I really want to do, he’s gonna kick me out of here and not talk to me ever again._  
— How about uh.. we watch a movie? —   
— A movie? — he scratched his head.  
You nodded — Ellie told me about a movie you like and it sounds interesting so… I wanted to watch it, that’s all —   
A slight smile appeared on his face. You could tell the idea of Ellie talking about him and his interests to others made him really happy for some reason.  
— You talkin’ ‘bout Curtis and Viper 2? —  
— Yeah, that one —  
— Well I can lend it to you if you want —  
— Oh yeah sure, thank you — you smiled awkwardly.  
— Gimme a minute —   
The man left his armchair and headed towards a wall unit.  
Your eyes alighted on his burly and wide shoulders, that shirt wrapped him around so tightly, tracing a perfect silhouette. You wondered how it was possible you hadn’t noticed his well shaped body before that day. 

— Here you go, kiddo — he walked up to you and handed you the movie — I reckon you’ll love it —  
You stood up and got closer to him. As you reached for the cassette, you met the man’s gaze. You could feel yourself become hypnotised by those hazel eyes, as every muscle of your body stiffened. You daren’t move, you daren’t breathe, you were frozen to the spot. You could feel your heart pounding in your chest… duh-duhn, duh-duhn.   
— You okay, kiddo? — the man tilted his head.  
— Yeah.. yeah — you looked away.  
— You just kinda seem extra weird today —  
— Sorry —   
— You don’t need to apologise — the corners of his mouth lifted up — Y’know what could help, kiddo? —  
You shook your head and shrugged.  
The man left the cassette on the coffee table and he reached for your guitar.  
— Whenever I’m upset or feelin’ down, I just sit on my porch and pick away at my six-string — he said, handing you your instrument.  
— Or you drink coffee — you blurted out, as giggles rolled out of you.  
— Or I drink coffee, that’s right — a grin appeared on his face, and spots of gold danced in his irises. His eyes glazed like honey and turned into million shades of gold as sunlight from the open windows reflected off them. They were like melted chocolate: warm and so addictive.   
But just when you took your guitar from the man’s hands, you heard someone opening the door.   
— Joel! —   
You recognised your best friend’s voice.  
Ellie walked in the living room with a radiant smile on her face, trying to hide part of her right arm. She wasn’t alone though: behind her was Esther.  
The woman was well-dressed for once and her hair was loose and not up in a bun as usual.   
— Hey — she waved at you and rested her gaze on Joel. Traces of pink could be seen on her cheeks.  
Joel bobbed his head back, then he turned his attention to Ellie.  
— What you hidin’ there? — he asked, pointing at her arm.  
The girl’s eyes widened and her eyes lit up — Joel, (Y/N), Esther… look at this! — she called out and showed her fresh tattoo.  
— That looks so sick, El! — you admitted.  
— Ellie, this is… I mean it’s nice but… — the man put his hand to his chin.  
— What, what’s wrong with it? —  
Joel peered intently at the tattoo.  
— You don’t like it? — the young girl frowned.  
— I think the right word for it is… it's sick — he chuckled and glanced at you.  
— Shit Joel, I thought you didn’t like it! — Ellie sighed with relief.  
— It’s a nice tattoo — Esther butted in — So Joel, you ready? — she continued, hands playing with a strand of her hair.  
He nodded.  
— Where you two goin’? — your best friend’s goggled at them.  
— We’re going for a walk — the woman explained.  
 _What the hell? Are they dating now?_  
— What about our guitar lesson? —   
— Come back tomorrow, kiddo. We’ll pick up where we left off — the man smiled at you.  
Then he made his way out of the house, with that old woman right on his ass.

— You knew those two were dating? — you asked while walking into Ellie’s hut.  
The girl shook her head — I heard Tommy and Maria are trying to set Joel up with her, but he says they’re just friends —   
_Great._  
— I need to tell you something — Ellie sat down on the couch and invited you to do the same.  
— What is it, El? —  
She lowered her head and started tracing her fingers all around her unfinished tattoo, right where a chemical burn was visible.  
— It’s about Cat… she was working on the tattoo and — she paused — and uh, all of a sudden she climbed on top of me and kissed me —   
— Wow Ellie! I can’t leave you alone for one minute, can I? — you smirked — How was it? —  
— Well… I threw her off of me and I went away—  
Your brows drew together — Why would you do that? I thought you liked her —  
— I do.. I don’t know what got into me —   
You stood up and laid your hand on her shoulder — Listen to me, now you’re gonna show up to her house and tell her you’re sorry —  
She vehemently wagged her head — I don’t have the nerve to do that.. What would I even tell her? —   
— Hmm — You scratched your cheek — just invite her out for a walk, knowing her she will appreciate it —   
Ellie bit her lower lip — I don’t know —  
You pulled her by the arm — C’mon El, don’t be a pain in the ass —  
But she wouldn’t give in.  
 _She really is a stubborn little brat._  
— Okay then, I reckon you’ll gladly swap shifts with me next week —   
— No fucking way! —   
— Oh yes, you’re gonna love helping Seth in the kitchen! —   
Ellie groaned and rolled her eyes — I hate you, you know that? —  
Then she left the couch and went for the door.  
You followed her — Oh shut up — and closed the door behind you — Good luck with Cat —   
— Knock it off — she giggled and her eyes sparkled like a bright, clear emerald lit by flames of pure embarrassment. 

The heat of the day had been replaced by a cool breeze. You sauntered down the streets, with the gig bag over your shoulder and your hands shoved in your jeans pockets.   
People all around you were enjoying that chill summer night. Seth’s pub was already packed and you could hear live music going on in the distance.  
But you were too busy thinking about Joel Miller and his rough arms bulging with veins to care. Those thoughts were still on your mind, and they wouldn’t have left it any time soon. And as much as they could be enjoyable, they scared you at the same time.  
There was no way those images in your head would ever come true, no chance you’d ever taste those chapped lips of his and fondle his hairy chest…   
_What is wrong with me_ you wagged your head, in an attempt to shake those indecent thoughts off - to no avail.   
_He’s Ellie’s dad for god’s sake. I need to stop._

After some thinking you came to the conclusion you had to stay away from him, that way maybe your lust for the man would vanish and be just a memory. This meant doing anything to avoid Joel and saying goodbye to the guitar lessons too, not that he’d have time for them now anyway since he was busy dating Esther.  
 _This is the right thing to do. I have no chance with him_ you repeated to yourself.

Little did you know.


	5. Bitter Rain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You’re the only daughter of Earl Green, one of the founders of the settlement in Jackson County, Wyoming. Your dad died in the year 2033, after some bandits attacked the compound. Few months later a pair, a man and a young girl, arrive and settle down in the town. You quickly become friends with the girl, Ellie and start to grow attached to her and the old man named Joel, a former smuggler who seems to carry a heavy burden with him.  
> Though in the summer of 2037 you realise your feelings for the man might be developing into something more than a mere attachment

**Back to Tommy’s birthday party**

— I’m dead serious, you have talent — a smile completely enveloped Joel’s face. He was leaning against the bar counter holding a glass of scotch in his hands.   
— Thank you — you took a sip of your whiskey — I learnt from the best — you gave him a wink. He responded with a captivating smile.  
You had been trying not to engage in a conversation with the man for the last few months, yet as soon as Tommy and Maria left you and the man alone to go catch up with some of their friends, you had no choice but to talk to him. At first you did try to sneak away, but then Joel started making conversation by complimenting your guitar skills. You didn’t mind talking with him at all but those naughty thoughts from back that summer day were still going all around your mind and making you want to jump on the man standing in front of you. Drinking whiskey wasn’t helping with the images in your head either.

— Who’s that special person, kiddo? — he asked out of the blue, trying to josh you.  
That question took you by surprise.  
 _What do I tell him now? Well Joel, that song was for you. You’re the special person._  
— Erm.. — you ran your hand through your hair and bit your lower lip.  
— Sensitive subject? —  
The way his lips lifted upward. The way his one dimple crinkled. The way his teeth were perfectly aligned. The warm glow his smile gave. That smile… it was a ray of sunshine, brighter than those yellow lights that were hanging all around the ballroom. And you were a sunburn.

You nodded nervously — It’s uhm - it’s complicated —   
— It’s Zeke, isn’t it? — that genuinely sweet smile was still on his face.  
— Zeke?! — your nose wrinkled and you rose an eyebrow — why would you ever think it’s him? —  
— Chill kiddo, I’ve seen you kiss him and I thought you two were together, that’s all — the man gave a wry laugh — Plus I’ve got a pretty keen eye for these sort of things —  
— You’re dead wrong! —  
— Right — He smirked and took a sip. 

— So… — ice clinked gently in the glass as he rolled it absently between his hands — care to explain why you been actin’ weird and avoidin’ me, then? — he narrowed his eyes.  
— I-I’ve been going through a lot lately… — you looked away from him.  
— You want to talk about it, kiddo? — his eyes showed gentle concern.  
After a brief hesitation, you moved your head up and down.  
— Could we talk about it somewhere more… private, though? —   
— Sure thing — he left the now-empty glass of scotch on the counter and made his way out of the ballroom.   
You gulped down the rest of your whiskey and followed him through the jam-packed room.

It would be a cold moonless night. The sky was dark and low, the air so chilled it hurt to breathe. An almost-wintry air swirled around you and the man walking ahead, taking away all the warmth it could. The cold breeze blew right through your pullover and through your now-tousled and tangled hair. Joel wrapped his arms tighter around himself, pulling his jacket closed and tucking his chin downward into his flannel shirt.   
Had it not been for the sound of muffled music and chattering coming from the party, the street would’ve been completely silent.

The man came to a stop right a few feet away from the dance hall.   
— Is this private enough? — he questioned as he turned to face you.  
His face marked by time only lit by a nearby streetlight. It was a craggy face, in an over worn way.. the way that tells of a life lived too hard. But this just made him even more intriguing.  
— It’ll do — you looked around you.  
— So, what’s up kiddo? —  
— I uhm… I’ve been arguing with Ellie, that’s all — you smiled awkwardly.  
His hazel eyes grew dim and dark, he lowered his head and thrusted his hands into his pockets.  
— She told me you two had a bit of a disagreement? —  
— A disagreement.. yeah — he tightened his lips.  
— I’m sorry Joel.. —   
He shook his head and contorted his lips into a smile, but even the man must’ve felt their reluctance to be moulded falsely.  
— We should probably head back to the party —   
— Wait Joel — those two words rushed out of your mouth.  
 _I gotta tell him. It’s now or never._  
There was no reason to keep it a secret anymore. After all, you couldn’t just keep shying away from the man forever.  
— There’s something else I want to talk about… —  
— Sure, I’m all ears — he crossed his arms.  
You started fidgeting and sweating. You knew it was the right time to confess your feelings to the man. He had to know.   
What could go wrong? You asked yourself.  
Many things could’ve gone wrong actually, like Joel turning you down and breaking your heart. But you really needed to get it off your chest once and for all.  
— Joel, I.. — you bit your lower lip and cracked your knuckles.  
 _Do it. Don’t be a chicken._  
The man was staring at you, his crossed arms pressed against his chest.  
— I think I’ve got a crush on… someone — you mumbled.  
His eyes widened, as if he was surprised you were telling something like this to him — Well that’s nice kiddo. I’m happy for you… and Zeke —  
— Joel, it’s not Zeke. Stop mentioning him — you rolled your eyes.  
— I was just messin’ with ya — he chuckled — Who’s the boy? Or the girl —  
— Uhm he’s a-an older guy, he’s very handsome and mysterious if I may say so.. — you chocked — and he even taught me how to play gee-tar —   
Blushing would have been no problem, but what you did was go as red as a beetroot and radiate heat like a hot pan; you were breathing as if no air would ever be enough, as if you had been a drowning victim suddenly brought up from the depths.   
You gathered your courage and dared to look at the man, who had not yet said a word.  
Joel’s hazel eyes were as immobile as the rest of his face, as if such revelation was impossible to absorb any faster. He was frozen for maybe ten seconds before the corners of his mouth resumed their usual lovely smile.  
— Well we got a situation here, kiddo — he ran his hand through his hair.  
— How long you been feelin’ this way? —  
— Ever since our last guitar lesson — you admitted.  
— I could tell there was somethin’ weird goin’ on that day… I knew I shouldn’t have sung that song — he chuckled and put his hands on his hips.  
— I don’t think it was just the song actually.. — you lowered your head — I’ve always liked your company and uh that day you were wearing a tight shirt and… —   
— Jeez kiddo — he pinched the bridge of his nose — you should find yourself someone your age for that —   
— Why? Are you too old to.. erm —  
— I’m too old **for you** — he clarified — there’s so many guys better and younger than me in Jackson —  
— I don’t like anyone my age. And you’re not too old for me —  
— **I am**. Now please kiddo, don’t get your… —   
— If you don’t like me just say it — your eyes became glazed with a glassy layer of tears.  
— Kiddo — he sighed — I just don’t do this stuff, I’m too old for a relationship —  
— We could try and see… —  
—Try what exactly? You’re Ellie’s best friend, goddammit — he cut you off.  
— Well she doesn’t have to know —   
— (Y/N), I ain’t doin’ shit ‘kay? Now quit playin’ up, go back to that party and find someone else to satisfy your needs — he whispered angrily and started walking towards the ballroom.  
— You know what? You’re an asshole — you clenched your fists. Anger boiled deep in your system.  
— What did you just say? — the man turned around and tilted his head.  
— I said you’re an asshole, Joel Miller — you snapped.  
— You’d better watch your mouth — his eyes were narrowed, rigid, cold, hard.  
— Or what? You’re gonna break my heart just like you did with Ellie’s? I don’t know what’s going on between…—  
— Don’t you bring Ellie into this, this has nothin’ to do with her — his lethal stare felt painful and piercing.  
— Bullshit. You’re always cooped up in your fucking house dwelling on your past ‘cause you’re unable to deal with the present. No wonder Ellie doesn’t want to see you and talk to you. Even Esther distanced herself from you. You’re contemptible and that’s why everyone leaves you —  
His eyes were a knife in your ribs, the sharp point digging deeper.   
_I shouldn’t have said that._  
You drew in a deep breath.   
His burning hard stare lasted only as long as it took him to think of one of the most brutally cutting thing he could tear you down with.  
— Comin’ from someone who got mad ‘cause she got rejected.. Y’know, I wouldn’t dream of gettin’ involved with someone immature like you — the anger in his hazel eyes left the place to indifference.

You stood there as you felt your heart cracking like glass, spreading its pieces throughout your body. You could hardly bare the sight, as you watched the man turning his back on you and making his way towards the ballroom. You were alone and shattered. Tears streamed down your cheeks, while bitter raindrops started falling on your head.


End file.
